


Strawberry Vodka, Bathroom Sex and Bad Karaoke

by Blizzard_Fire



Series: Science Bros Week 2019 [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bruce and Tony had a one-night stand, Chatlogs, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunken Shenanigans, Hot Mess Bros, M/M, Science Bros Week, Science Bros Week 2019, Teacher AU, Thor is an underwear model for some reason, Tony has a lot of exes, but now they're BFFs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-08 16:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19872889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blizzard_Fire/pseuds/Blizzard_Fire
Summary: Bruce:If we don't go it just looks like you're still bitter about the whole thing.Tony:I AM still bitter about the whole thingTony:My ex is marrying my ex I am allowed to be bitterBruce:If you come I'll buy the first roundTony:fiiineTony:but I'm leaving as soon as possibleIt's Steve's bachelor party. Tony and Bruce get very drunk. Then Bruce gets lost, and Tony chats up the snarky doctor at the bar...





	Strawberry Vodka, Bathroom Sex and Bad Karaoke

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "record" for Science Bros Week 2019. Chatfics are fun to write.
> 
> This is an AU in which there are no superpowers. Tony is a robotics tutor at the local university and Bruce is a physics tutor.
> 
> Obviously warnings for drunkenness, referenced drunk sex and general alcohol-fuelled shenanigans.

FRI 08/16, 06:37PM

 **Bruce:** Papers all graded, guess it's time to party...

 **Bruce:** I'm leaving campus soon, meet you there?

07:04PM

 **Bruce:** Tony?

07:43PM

 **Bruce:** You have to come. We promised Steve.

 **Tony:** ngh

 **Bruce:** If you don't it just looks like you're still bitter about the whole thing.

 **Tony:** I AM still bitter about the whole thing

 **Tony:** My ex is marrying my ex I am allowed to be bitter

 **Bruce:** I survived Nat's birthday party so you can do this.

 **Tony:** I'm going to stay at home and watch Star Wars til I pass out

 **Bruce:** You're really going to leave me at a bar on my own, trying to make small talk with Steve?

 **Bruce:** Or maybe someone will take advantage of a poor, shy physics tutor, alone at the bar...

 **Tony:** you wish

 **Tony:** it's going to be a shitshow and you know it. Bucky's coming so you know someone's going to get arrested

 **Tony:** you know what? I think I have a fever coming on

 **Tony:** yep, definitely a fever. I can't go, what a shame

 **Bruce:** If you come I'll buy the first round

 **Bruce:** We'll sit at the bar and laugh at how lame everyone else is. And debate Star Wars, obviously.

 **Tony:** fiiine

 **Tony:** but I'm leaving as soon as possible

08:12PM

 **Tony:** Bruuuuce

 **Tony:** Brucie Doo

 **Tony:** Where are youuu

 **Bruce:** I'm nearly there

 **Bruce:** Wow this club looks shitty. I think I'm in the right place...?

 **Tony:** it's the club where they met

 **Tony:** Steve saved Pepper from being mugged then she went to buy him a drink

 **Bruce:** classy.

 **Tony:** I know this because Steve just told me and I had to CONGRATULATE MY EX FOR BONING MY EX

 **Tony:** Bruce I stg hurry up

 **Tony:** Why do all my exes get together? it's like being back at college

 **Bruce:** You should call it the Stark Curse.

 **Tony:** It is though

 **Tony:** Everyone I fuck breaks up with me, then they fuck each other

 **Bruce:** We fucked once, and I haven't hooked up with any of your exes.

 **Tony:** That's cuz you know it doesn't get any better than this ;)

 **Bruce:** Or you have an odd number of exes.

 **Tony:** :(

 **Bruce:** Alright, I'm here.

 **Tony:** I'm at the bar and Steve looks like he wants to talk to me again

 **Tony:** RESCUE ME

09:14PM 

_Tony sent a photo_

**Tony:** I found the one person who wants to be here less than we do

 **Bruce:** Poor guy. What's Steve saying to him?

 **Tony:** I think he's trying to debate the causes of the civil war

 **Tony:** i used to find it sexy when he went full history teacher on me. Now it's just annoying

 **Bruce:** He looks familiar...

 **Tony:** Must be one of Pepper's friends. Steve doesn't have friends that hot

 **Tony:** HE JUST SAID "STEVE IF I GAVE ANY LESS OF A SHIT I'D BE ASLEEP"

 **Tony:** who is this man and how did he get dragged to Steve's shitty bar crawl, he's way too cool to be here

 **Bruce:** He teaches at our place, some weird branch of metaphysics. He's a bit of a dick actually

 **Bruce:** You'd like him. His name's Simon Odd or something like that.

 **Tony:** I want to buy him a drink... but I don't want to interrupt this delicious steve roast

 **Tony:** What drinks we getting again? 

**Bruce:** 2 strawberry vodkas. Actually make it 4. Maybe this night will suck less if we're drunk.

 **Tony:** that's my boy.

09:23PM

 **Bruce:** Steve says we're moving bars, you coming?

 **Tony:** if it means more booze hell y e s

10:21PM

 **Bruce:** Has Thor left the bathroom yet?

 **Tony:** Thors here?

 **Bruce:** Yeah he arrived late.

 **Tony:** Nat's friend, the underwear model?

 **Bruce:** He's not just a model, he's a lifeguard. And he volunteers at an animal rescue shelter

 **Bruce:** And I'm serious, is he gone? I'm hiding in the stall

 **Tony:** size dont matter it's what you do with it ;)

 **Bruce:** Tony.

 **Tony:** Yeah he's currently comparing muscles with Clint. You have weird taste

 **Bruce:** Must have if I hooked up with you.

 **Tony:** ouch

 **Tony:** Should have just got down on your knees, he'd definitely notice you then

 **Bruce:** I don't even know what to say to him. I'm not drunk enough to deal with this.

 **Tony:** I can fix that...

10:42PM

 **Tony:** Yeah we get it your life is great

 **Tony:** remember when Steve used to be cool? christ

 **Tony:** If he says "stoked" one more time I'm gonna punch his perfect teeth down his throat

 **Bruce:** Drinking game?

 **Tony:** y E S

11:04PM

 **Tony:** I'm drunkk

 **Tony:** I may have found mr handsone goatee again

 **Tony:** he's into sme weirdass branch of pyshsciscs

 **Tony:** i hatehim

 **Tony:** butI love him

 **Bruce:** Isn't he basically you but if you watched too much Harry Potter? 

**Tony:** I wanna put h is goatee on my goathee and see if they match up

 **Bruce:** Tony no

11:32PM

 **Bruce:** We're moving bars again before they throw Clint out. Where are you?

 **Bruce:** Are you throwing up in the bathroom?

 **Bruce:** Okay, I found you in the bathroom but I'm going to pretend I didn't see any of that.

 **Bruce:** I'm glad you made a new friend. I'm going to the next bar.

 **Bruce:** ...Could you at least lock the cubicle next time?

SAT 08/17, 12:25AM

 **Tony:** where the fuck are you guys?

 **Bruce:** We're at the Smirking Lime. If you can still walk over here?

 **Tony:** smartass

 **Bruce:** Clint went crazy with a bottle of silly string so just follow that.

 **Bruce:** Please hurry I'm getting drunk and depressed and I just want to talk about physics with someone.

 **Bruce:** Clint and Bucky are wrestling, Steve's pretty out of it and Thor keeps trying to kiss people

 **Tony:** If you don't tap that by the end of the night i'll be mad

 **Tony:** Stephen agrees with me and he hasn't even met you

01:10AM

 **Tony:** Smirking Lime my ass, you're not here now. I see a broken window, was that you guys?

 **Bruce:** That was Bucky. We scattered. Lost Steve, I'm stuck with Bucky and Clint!

 **Bruce:** Oh fuck we're in a strip club.

 **Tony:** lol

 **Bruce:** Clint is trying to buy us all lap dances

 **Bruce:** I'm going home. I can't do this.

 **Bruce:** Shit I'm out of cash.

 **Tony:** I'm on my way. hang in there Brucie

01:23AM

 **Tony:** They wouldn'tlet me in cuz I'm too handsome and slightlu drunk but I'm outside

 **Tony:** Bruce

 **Tony:** I'm sending Stephen in there.try not to debate physics until ur out

 **Bruce:** thanks but I'm not there. I ran.

 **Bruce:** Now I'm drunk and lost

 **Bruce:** Running with a boner really hurts.

 **Tony:** gdi Bruce we can't BOTH be the hot mess

 **Tony:** designated hot mess lol

 **Tony:** I need directions buddy how do I find you

 **Bruce:** i don't know but it's noisy and crowded and there's bachelor parties everywhere

 **Bruce:** We should have stayed at the apartment and watched Star Wars.

 **Tony:** stop mssgng and answer ur phone!

01:32AM

_2 missed voice calls from Tony_

**Tony:** Bruuuxe

 **Tony:** Bruice

 **Tony:** Brc

_4 missed voice calls from Tony_

**Tony:** Where tf are you

02:12AM

 **Tony:** oh great guess who i found.

 **Tony:** ok me ane STEVE are teaming up to find you. That's how worried i am right now

 **Tony:** steve to the left of me stephen to the right lol

 **Tony:** oh boy if i was drunk enougj who knows at this point

_6 missed calls from Tony_

**Tony:** BRUCE omg wbere are you wtf

04:11AM

 **Bruce:** imok

 **Tony:** what. The fuck.

 **Tony:** WHERE ARE YOU

 **Bruce:** club

 **Tony:** you gotta do better than that

 **Tony:** I got so worried I'm fucking almost sober

 **Bruce:** danxjngirunr

 **Tony:** jfc

 **Bruce:** hi this is thor, we're in a club called the dancing prune. Bruce is fine :)

 **Tony:** Kick his ass for me will you

 **Tony:** oh and leave your number somewhere on his person 

04:32AM

 **Tony:** where ru

 **Tony:** Wait are you at the front? Is that you??

 **Tony:** you didn't tell me this was a karaoke bar lol

 **Tony:** I'm still mad at you but I'm transfixed by your duet

 **Tony:** where did Thors shirt go

 **Tony:** wow guys get a room

_Tony sent a video_

**Tony:** something to play at your wedding when you marry Thors horny ass

 **Tony:** or for your students on Monday morning

 **Tony:** good blackmail material

_Tony sent a video_

_Tony sent a video_

**Tony:** Dr Bruce Banner, singing It's Raining Men and KNOWING ALL THE WORDS whilst leaning against a topless underwear model

 **Tony:** this is definitely the gayest thing I've ever seen you do

 **Tony:** and that includes fucking me

 **Tony:** man I'm tired

 **Tony:** Fuckit I wanna sing

 **Tony:** Ok after this Steve's driving our drunk asses home

 **Tony:** You are the cutest drunk to ever drunk

 **Tony:** ily

02:12PM

 **Bruce:** How did I get home?

 **Tony:** Steve. You're fckn welcome

 **Bruce:** The last thing I remember is lap dancers...

 **Bruce:** Why is Thor in my bed?

 **Tony:** you seduced him with your karaoke skills

 **Tony:** I think Steve put us all to bed. We all just passed out wherever

 **Tony:** How was your sexy underwear model? Hope he's not just a pretty face ;)

 **Bruce:** We're both fully dressed. But I woke up being spooned so there's that.

 **Bruce:** Someone is singing in the shower and it's definitely not you .

 **Tony:** I may have brought Stephen home with me for a sloppy round 2 :P

 **Bruce:** Nice. So did you both snark at each other at the same time or take it in turns?

 **Tony:** I think I'm in love

 **Tony:** No sign of life from Thor?

 **Bruce:** Stirring a bit..I'm in no rush.

 **Tony:** Who's gonna do the walk of shame first

 **Tony:** Or fuck it let's just all go get breakfast together

 **Bruce:** I'm down

 **Bruce:** give me fifteen minutes

 **Tony:** Yea

 **Bruce:** make it twenty

 **Tony:** I guess this is brunch really. What are you feeling, pancakes? Burgers?

 **Tony:** Just promise you won't talk shop with Stephen. You'd hate his take on physics

 **Tony:** You asleep?

 **Tony:** Oh. Never mind.

 **Tony:** Wow you're a vocal consumator. Guess I'm next in the shower then

 **Tony:** ...

 **Tony:** After breakfast we're watching Star Wars and laughing at the Bad Science in it

02:35PM

 **Bruce:** We'll be down in a minute

 **Bruce:** And in answer to your earlier question, pancakes?

 **Tony:** Let's eat some goddam pancakes <3

 **Bruce:** <3

**Author's Note:**

> Whaddaya know, some Thor/Bruce snuck in there! *whistles innocently* IronStrange is really growing on me lately, it's just maximum snark.
> 
> Fun fact: As of today, there are only 12 fics of Bruce/Stephen on AO3. The rarest of pairings.


End file.
